Let me start this off by saying that I very much hope to not offend anyone in writing this. I mean not to be insensitive. What is written here is just personal experience, and thoughts.
As some of you already know or may have guessed due to my weight-loss posts or lack of pregnancy statuses, I have had a miscarriage. I announced at the end of June that Gordon and I were expecting a baby in February. I knew I wasn't very far along, and most people choose to wait until the first trimester is over to announce anything, but we were just so excited and we felt so sure nothing would go wrong. When I went to Zion at the beginning of July, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick to my stomach. I was throwing up and everything. The next day, (July 3rd) I had cramping across my whole abdomen. I was pretty sure that it was just stomach-related, because it was across my whole belly, not just lower abdomen. Also, everything I had read told me "if you're not bleeding, probably nothing is wrong." I started feeling much better the day after that, and as the week went on, I had more energy and I figured I was nearing the end of my first trimester.
On July 13th, I was exactly 11 weeks along. I was sitting in my parent's living room, playing games with everyone and took a bathroom break. That's when I saw the blood. I immediately started bawling, trying to calm myself down, I called my mom into the bathroom, and we went straight to the ER. So many thoughts were running through my mind. "What did I do wrong?" "Did I get too hot on that hike?" "Did I eat something I'm not supposed to?"
The doctor did an ultrasound and said he wasn't seeing any cardiac activity, and that the baby was measuring 8 weeks and 4 days. After counting, my heart sunk. 8 weeks and 4 days was the day that we announced the pregnancy. But also, 8 weeks and 4 days after conception was the day before the aforementioned hike. I couldn't stop blaming myself. Even after they told me that my hematocrit was good, and that I was healthy, I was so sure I had done something wrong. Even still a month and a half later, I can't get the thought out of my mind that it was my fault.
One of the hardest parts of this all was that Gordon was still in Arizona. He had to go back down for work but we had a wedding to attend in Utah and I didn't want to do the drive with Ella more than I had to.
Being away from him, and having to tell him over the phone that we lost our baby was extremely hard. I just wanted him to hold me while I cried. We had my brothers that live near us go over to give Gordon a blessing and try to offer him peace and comfort and company at this sad time.
As much as I wanted Gordon with me, I was really grateful that I was with my family when this happened. It allowed me to have my family take care of Ella while I was at the hospital and while I was recovering from the D&C. I wasn't supposed to do any lifting, and I needed a lot of rest, so everyone, including my sibling that were living there too, pitched in to help take care of her and allow me to rest and recover.
Eventually, I started thinking about having to tell the people that knew I was pregnant that I'm not anymore. I was dreading it. I didn't want to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't make them want to feel like they need to put their foot in their mouths or anything. I was really nervous.
At this point, I'm glad that I told people because it has allowed them to be sensitive to my situation. Telling them at first was a little bit hard, but then no one is asking me when I'm going to have another baby, or telling me I should have another. I haven't had to suffer alone. I haven't needed to suffer silently. I've been able to talk about it with other people who have been through the same thing, I've received support and love from neighbors, friends, and of course, family. I'm really grateful for the thoughtfulness of others who otherwise wouldn't be able to offer me the same love and support if they weren't aware of the situation. I am now feeling much better. My hard days have become hard moments that only last up to an hour, and they don't come nearly as often.
To sum up, I might still wait until I hear a heart beat before I announce my next pregnancy, but I might not. I was really grateful for the opportunity to talk about my experience. It allowed me a chance to make sense of it all. Part of me wishes that people were a little more open about their experiences because I would love to be able to offer help and support and a listening ear to anyone else who is going through the same thing. This experience has definitely taught me to be more careful about what I say to whom and when. I don't want to be the person who is like "When are you gonna have a baby?!?!" to someone who just lost one. And I hope that everyone who reads this will try to do the same. Try to think twice when you are asking people about their plans to have children. Or if you are someone who has gone through this, or is going through this, it might make you feel much better to talk about it. I know it did for me.
Anyway, that's my two cents and I am offering a listening ear to anyone who needs someone to talk to.
